Fallen Roses

She was often unsure of what she was doing but this time,she was absolutely clueless.Her family would never allow such a match.It was true that he was intelligent and a good man but even if was the most eligible bachelor in the entire world,they still wouldn't let her marry him.He was,bluntly put,not of their caste.Why was she still clinging on to him?Why could she not bring herself to leave him forever and move on?Is this Love,she thought despairingly and if it was why did it have to be so painful .Why was everything so difficult in life?

He would understand if she left him.He always did.His large black eyes were deep like the ocean and they took everything within.When she raged at him or cried upon his shoulder,his comforting eyes looked into hers and made her warm.Warm with joy,with comfort and with hope.He was always there for her,like a silent rock who had pledged his life to the raging seas,he always stood by her no matter what she said or did.His silent devotion made her cringe.He knew she could never go against her family but still he was there,by her side,comforting and smiling.He was a good man and deserved better,she thought.She tried to fight with him numerous times,trying to distance herself so he wouldn't feel any pain but he was no fool.He always knew her intentions,he knew her bickering was symptomatic of her frustrations;he simply knew everything.He knew her completely.Both of them were hopelessly in love.Both knew the outcome of their doomed existence but both lived and continued to love.They had reached a stoic understanding of their fate.Their love had transcended marriage and society.Both could lead separate lives,marry someone else,have children and still could go on loving each other till their last breath.

But it always hurt her,she could never reach that spiritual and philosophical plane that he had achieved.She could never imagine life without him.His laugh,his smile,his soft gentle hands,the way he looked in her eyes,his soft,comforting voice and the way he made her feel;like a princess,like only she existed in the world and nothing else.When they were together the world melted in shadows and memories while nothing else mattered.Those moments defined life itself,everything else was a painful blurred memory.She felt alive when she was with him,life began to have a reason of being,she wanted in those moments to live,to breathe and to smile.He changed everything,her mind,her emotions and even her identity.She became someone else,much different from what she had been bought up to be.Her face softened,her voice had vitality and even her stride changed.She felt exuberant to the point of lunacy.He empowered her.He made her complete.

She wanted to die.She wanted to slit her wrists and leave this world forever,a world which refused possibilities of love,a world which was indifferent to her existence.But she never did anything beyond contemplating it in moments of lament,for she knew he would destroy himself.Not merely kill himself but destroy his very life.She would die and leave the world,he would live and die everyday.She lived for him ignorant of the fact that he had precisely the same reasons for living life.Both lived.Both suffered.Each day passed,the sun rose and set,each day she she woke up and wept.He had no answers for she asked no questions.She had been raised by her family,they had fed her,loved her;she couldn't just betray them because her heart belonged to someone else.They owned her life while he owned her heart.Life had no easy answers.She could not risk her parent's shame.She chose them.

Her wedding was a lavish affair.Relatives from far and away were called.Sweets were stuffed in their mouths,pictures clicked,blessings obliged.The bride sat on the mock throne on the stage with her to-be husband.Aunts commented how fair she looked,a detailed observation would have revealed a pale complexion and deathly demeanor.She had stopped thinking;not today but some months earlier when she had conceded to her parent's choice,a well groomed-educated boy of a traditional business family.Her mother had commented that her duty was over and she could now die peacefully while her father had smiled at the poetic exaggerations of his wife.The daughter had not been consulted about her feelings.Assumptions were the order of the day.As she sat frailly on the pseudo-majestic throne,she remembered the day when she had broke him the news of her marriage.He was impassive,he was quiet,he was shattered.Within his mind he always knew that this day would eventually come but the actual finality of the moment paralyzed him.His heart began to painfully coil as she spoke those words,those final words of parting and tender pain.He held her close,whispered words in her ear,looked deeply within those now-wet eyes and walked away.

The auspicious moment as decided by the chuckling,pot-bellied pundit drew closer.Finally it was time and the two walked towards the holy fire that would unite them forever.She walked,matching her partner's stride,numb with realization of the finality.Formless shapes appeared before her eyes and she began her part of the holy rites,dutifully observing each action as she was told.They say your whole life flashes before your very eyes when you die.She was not dying,simply getting married but He flashed before her eyes.His soft caresses,his husky voice,his enveloping frame,all came back to her as she began to encircle the holy fire with a man she barely knew.Each step erased her previous identity,she was no longer a girl,but a woman whose life would now revolve around her husband and unknown spheres of domesticity,not around Him.When all the rites were over and her forehead glistened with perspiration and vermilion,she allowed herself a single tear.No loud wailing and torrent of tears as custom demanded from a newly wed bride but a single tear.It was the final gesture of her love for Him.She walked into the fading night with her husband rightfully clutching her right hand.She glided into a new world,her mind erased of the past and her heart hollow of all emotion for she knew He had left her world forever.



She was wrong.They were destined to meet years later.

Silent Betrayal

I smiled often so you could smile
I hid my tears so you wouldn't cry
I gave you my hand when times were tough
I did everything when things were rough
I wiped your tears and wept for your grief
I held your hand to make you understand
I believed in god so i could pray for you
I slept in sand whilst i dreamt of heaven for you
I punished myself for your sins
I helped you always when i could
I thought of you when i smiled
I cared for your happiness
I cared for your joy
I forgot everything when i heard your voice
I made up stories to amuse you
I hoped i would never lose you
I gave up everything when you asked
I would sell myself to buy you a laugh

But

You cheated whilst i trusted
You laughed when i cried
You will smile if i die
You forgot me after you passed your time
You lost me when you broke my trust
You broke my soul and lost yours too
You robbed a man who would have given it all up
You made fun behind my back
You laughed with spite and became cruel
You faked affection in your hatred
You gave me up for your own ends
You thought me as an ignorant fool
You brought ruin upon a gentle soul
You sinned when you stabbed my back
You have no heart to love
You have no soul to pray
You are cold and you know it too
You think your god will ever forgive you?

Complex/Komplex

We all are actually dead.You and i especially.We have lost the ability to create new thoughts,to give birth to genuine ideas,of thoughts which have never been thought before.All we do is to recycle and reuse thoughts that are being passed to us from existing and dominant nodes of power.Where is our Revolution?In our books,in art house cinema or some dingy old corner of a shoddy pub where speech is ALWAYS predominant to action??Where is your CAUSE?The will to live,the reason to breathe and the melodies of our heartbeats;all are just vague,dull,repetitive entities.I cannot even develop a referential point for a non conformist argument because everything is corrupted.I feel existentially oppressed.The oppressor is a chimera,the revolutionary must become a chimera too in order to overcome oppression.

The CAUSE should be paramount.The very top of the holy pyramid.Its existence is eternal,humans and their actions become both meaningless and meaningful,both descriptions adhering to different frameworks,the particular vs the universal.

As Che said: It is not a matter of wishing success to the victim of aggression,but of sharing his fate.

The revolutionary must live for the cause,burn to illuminate,fizzle to ignite.My cause lies within the very layers of my existence.Its spark,as i understand,is bright.I dream of it very day.It makes everything else insignificant;family,life,success,love and especially myself.I don't have any desire to define myself within conventional parameters of success and failure.I lost the wish when i gained the Cause.It enlightened me,within rudiments of human extensions,gave me a purpose which only i can see.I risk being called mad and unreasonable by the world,even cold and deviant;yes it is true but only within the rules of your world.The rules of my world are different.I adhere only to them.

The mind is the the Source.From here stems all that we know of.It is also the purest paradox.It feeds you illusions but in the garb of knowledge.Revolution takes place when you identify the paradox,Enlightenment when you understand it and Self Destruction when you decipher it.I talk of Revolution only because it is the first step.The first step to salvation.It lies outside the bubble of civilization.A place where the mind is not bound by laws,human or cosmic and death is as alluring as life itself.But my words are hieroglyphics for those who do not understand neither the Cause nor the Revolution but then i am not writing for the many germs of the world.I write for a select few gems.

I have often heard:Long Live The Revolution.Why,if i may ask,should the Revolution live long?I do not want it to be stagnant.It should end itself to give rise to a new Revolution.
Glorious and eternal.
The beauty of every Cause is that it exists.It exists for itself not for the world and that is how should ideally every human should exist.Each human a Cause,each human a Revolution.

“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire."
Tucholsky

May the length of my existence
be as short as her faithlessness.

Escape

Of all flowers that bloom
all wilt and wither
what remains is a memory
of days and rains
what has ended
will return
but in due time
perhaps not soon
and not even in time
to save you
but it shall return
nevertheless.

Dancing in the dark
romancing moonlight
is fleeting joy
soon to turn mundane
and commonplace.
Why
must you ever be happy?
or even sad?
when you can play
with chaos
words
lives.

Love what you destroy
and
sometimes even
destroy what you love
for in uncertainties
no patterns of existence
is life lived
play with yourself
and others too
forever
till you lose everything
become a crumpled paper.

Slip often
willingly
to burn painfully
in the fire
of unwanted existence
till you become a memory
slowly fading away
lost in rumors
and speculations.

Hieroglyphic self

I am a broken sound,the equivalent of a muffled infant who suffocates to death all the while exhorting its mind and body for one moment of sonorous pleasure.The incomplete abyss of nothingness,hollow beyond measure,like vapors of smoke that dissolve into space and time,fading away in nocturnal bliss dimly aware of the world outside but thriving like a parasite on its pulsating self,waiting,perhaps for Godot or was it Todog?,into the unreal world of dissolving identities and makeshift masks,melting in moments,to reveal more masks until one day,there would be nothing left to reveal and thy imagination would wither like a worm on an Australian beach,forever shunning the epitome of existence and its few friends;never to look into a mirror for the fear,the heart wrenching fear of finally seeing the self but knowing that both the fear and the self are yet again masks,albeit much more sublime than their predecessors for they have now evolved like man and his coherent cognitive senses,yet again knowing that illusion again is but reality,only simplified for convenience and like smoke,it too,shall fade away leaving behind nothing but an acrid taste of truth,only to deconstruct the constructs and their intertwined fallacies.

Cherry Trees and A Man Apart

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The Land Of Opiate Lions

I walked slowly,haltingly,each step an impossibility of action,of thought.The road was an amalgam of loose soil,blown fleetingly from Kotal-e Salang,and asphalt,a trickling example of modernity in civil engineering.The air was dry and barren,much like the state of affairs of its nation.I felt tired and defeated but primarily disgusted at my own impotency to change anything.War evokes this feeling in the most deadened of hearts,but this was not war,i mused,it was a bloody extermination;of men,of tradition,of culture and the world had turned a blind eye to it.I walked on,each step a symbol of my personal Waterloo.What was it that i had thought that i could change in this fate less nation where death enveloped men not with a quiet dignity but with a hound's blood lust?I was ordinary and the world did not respond to the ordinary;it responded to men of power,but men in power wanted wars and tumbling economies so that they may build their own empires of wealth.Money which came from thriving opium business and the global arms race.What could i do in this world which was governed by laws i could not understand?

Kabul was feverish;with disease,hunger,deaths and grief.Men looked on with hollow eyes at the debris of their spiritual essence,of their homeland which has served as a foster battleground for the mighty of the world.Afghanistan's beauty lies neither in the sheer magnificence of its virgin land and nor in the towering Hindu Kush mountains which serve as its pseudo guardians;it lies in its resilience,its solitude and the indomitable spirit of its people.There have been days when i have cried like a child looking at shards of humanity in this god forsaken land ;where men risk everything for one another,where each day is a battle not for survival but for hope.Kabul was resilient and that was all that mattered to its people.The by lanes of fear,the army rangers patrolling the area for security and the Presidential Palace in all its magnanimity were sights of assurance that helped keep life going on.When i had set foot in Kabul,i was excited and interested in the state of life,now i felt devoid of all emotion except for a confused state of rage and helplessness.I was not alone in my sensitivity,there were many who were aware of the turmoil the nation was in but like me,could really not do anything worthwhile.


I was an outsider but the Afghans welcomed me with open arms.The hard humor at the US Army bases goes as-An Afghan embraces you only to stab you in the back,i do not believe this to be true and a certain level nor do they;but the imperialistic discourse in their foreign policy is unmissable.They never came here looking for terrorists.They came here for a stronghold over Western Asia,a potent strategic location.What is audacious and overwhelming so is America's sordid belief in its exceptionalism and fundamental sense of righteousness that it fails to acknowledge cultures and traditions apart from his own.Afghanistan has/had(can't really place a finger on it) a rich culture and one finds delight and finesse intrinsically layered within its various art forms,something that is disappearing for no apparent fault of theirs;for one cannot really expect them to preserve art when they are struggling to preserve their life?I was certain their must be a logic,a finality of thought that could explain this spectacular holocaust but i was certain no man alive could fit all the pieces together.While i drift towards philosophy,the battle weary Afghans contemplate existentialism,i gather a local translation of Camus would do them some good.I walk some more,inhaling the stench of dry sweat and absorbing the contours of a nation that is fighting since time immemorial.Generations of men have fought for a freedom whose essence they themselves have forgotten.

To quote an old cinematic Afghan about the enemy's prayer-"May God deliver us from the venom of the Cobra, teeth of the tiger, and the vengeance of the Afghan."

My story is not yet over but i cannot write anymore for i fear sheer despondency may force me to abort my endeavors of chronicling my journey of this land of opiate lions.

A Muse And Specks Of Dust

Dorothy Parker And The Concerned Universe

Indifferent Lovers And Lonely Muses

Dorothy came and went
her words
and indifference
strewn like ashes
in the river of my life.

She is neither here
nor ever will
but should i not want
that cannot be mine?
she came and went
far away,not forever.

For she left her words
poetic verse
obtuse,true
like a child
of the masters
and the slaves alike.

Understand you not
life and laughs.
and what burns on
your cheeks,
are not just my tears
nor even yours.

What you left
you know not
and nor do i.
but you still know
a bit of this and that
while i still don't.

You cannot return
nor can i
for fate binds us
along with words
some you use
and some i.

Gone you are
away and far
but you taught me
a thing or two
about life's flair
yet never to care.

For The Times To Come

Goodness is incomprehensible.A stain of divinity.Perfection beyond the realm of thought,surpassing action and motives,confusing the world to the point of turmoil.What you call beauty,what you worship as your gods,what you feel as divine is the Absolute Good.Undeviating truth,like a child who sees the world through wondrous eyes,it is our innate goodness that the world takes away from us bit by bit.Don't fear the world,it can be fooled.I have done so.The art lies in deception.Its paradoxical that one must use deception to preserve the very seed of goodness.Act as if you are evil while nurturing the child of goodness within the womb of your soul.The world will hunt you,men who call themselves your brothers will feed upon you if you betray an inkling of your goodness.Show the world that you are brutal,devious,cunning.Only then you may be able to save goodness from its impending doom.



They say its impossible to be good.It is not.You gave up too soon.The world is not bad.I pity it.I see the cosmic joke.Each one of us projects an image.An image of our faults,of our follies so that we may be seen as plausible victors in this universe of duplicity.Drop the mask.Be good.The universe exists in the hope that we all will share a common brotherhood,of love,of tolerance,of beauty.Don't disappoint it.





Men destroy goodness in the light of the day but they weep for their actions in the darkness of night.Gloom settles on them as the world snubs them with the gaze of envy and loathing.You run after love,after wordily possessions,after a sense of complacency.Leave it all behind.You can only reach divinity through acts of goodness.Pure and joyful.The last thread that co joins us to humanity almost like an umbilical cord.Snap it and civilisations will fall.You know the pinnacle of happiness through acts of goodness.You have felt it.You know the sheer brilliance of our poetic selves.We are all creatures of delight,possessing potential for acts of paramount kindness.You will not live to see a thousand suns.But you can illuminate this place with a bit of your own inner light,the very flame that flickers a bit too brightly by the joy you give to the world.You are your own master,your own god,live life as a human being,secretly spreading joy and love,but be always on your guard,for the world should never know that you are essentially good.

*And he smiled and smiled.*