As she walked down the empty path, oblivious to the drizzle around her, lost in thoughts made up of myriad moments, all revolving around him, causing painful emotional convulsions and pale mirages; she suddenly remembered that tomorrow would be his birthday. A mere six months back this would be a cause of silent happiness, silent because she could never let him how she felt, even though she knew it was a lame attempt because he already knew.Theirs was a relationship of ironies, paradoxes and contradictions. It went beyond love and was nurtured in silences. Silence bound them together, since neither would speak while the other could listen. It was only in corners of a heavy heart that such feelings found utterance. Pain and love go hand in hand, destined to be apart and forever to be enveloped in mists of tragedy; this is what she truly believed. She wanted him to go away forever, from her memories, her tears and from that emptiness she felt when she tried to sleep each night. She had finally expressed her love for him but with an act of betrayal so pure that only love could match it. With each harsh word that she had spoken, it was love that was expressed. A wounded dear's helplessness in its inability to live life, a woman's tears reflecting her own helplessness to love, freely and fearlessly. What made it all the more unbearable was the knowledge that he wasn't fooled, in fact couldn't be fooled. She had to forget him for the sake of her sanity, pluck him apart as coldly as humanly possible. Burn every memory doused with his love. Refute those advances of long past moments draped in illusions and possibilities. She often thought of moments spent together, with loving glances and unsaid words. He had awakened the woman in her and for the first time in her life, she had felt alive. She could feel love and happiness pulsate silently, forcefully in her veins, strengthening her heart, melting the icy contours that had always surrounded it in fear of getting hurt. But she had hurt him, intentionally with the clear purpose of an assassin who knows its mark and feels no remorse for its actions. She had finally killed the love inside him or so she desperately tried to believe.
She walked on, haltingly, chewing her lower lip, occasionally biting her nails, an act of intimacy he shared with her. In the looming shadows of the wet streets, a neon light shone brightly, almost in an obscene way, challenging the very stillness of the street. She looked up and saw TATA SONS written brightly, the light behind SONS was dim and TATA stood out majestically. Only if Birla was written next to it, wouldn't it complete the beauty of their goodbyes? It was a private ritual of sorts, cryptic to the world around them but a purity which made sense only to them. They shared quirks as motifs of passion, dissolving beautifully into their words and gestures, almost like a private language of love too intimate too be understood by the world. Her limbs ached as she walked on but she welcomed such aches, she liked to believe that she was being punished and her sins were being atoned. The worse ache was the one she felt in her heart, a song of lament, whenever she heard his name. He was hers and even his very name uttered by someone else was sacrilege. Each night brought back heady memories of past and a curious emotion welled up inside her. It was an amalgam of pain and love, an unfulfilled orgasmic tragedy that failed to find utterance each time it sought to. She had hidden secrets from him, letting him live in his castles of illusions but she did not know that he knew about her past as well as he knew about her future. He saw through her completely, those large dear-like eyes filled with sadness and sorrow. He knew, she never wanted to believe it but he did know everything about her. Such was his love, it took in everything, patiently and gently, almost like her father who was her pillar of strength. He too was special but she had to do what she did, she had to let him go, she had to make him let go of her. There was nothing noble about her love. Such was the illusions she made up to sustain her sanity.This was her love, pure cowardice fused with betrayal, projected as grandeur of surrender and sacrifice, something she had never truly understood.
As she walked back home, her bed of sorrows awaiting her, she realized that loneliness is a faithful companion.
Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Vesper
"Does it not give birth to consequence when you draw in thin lines of white dust or do you find it akin to sanctuary where you can shy away from forgiveness of those willing women in the arms of whom you lied. Everything you touch withers and dies, now she has gone and finally it is you who is withering away, my friend. Janus would have been proud. The sheer pleasure of watching monuments melt, of watching you survive on shady whiskeys and white lines is priceless, who needs reason when you are living a Dionysian dream, who needs reason when you have enough grams to last you a month, who needs reason when the mighty have been slain and their heart's broken. The royal heartache returns, of fleeting memories, moonlit nights and delusional reverie, of days passed away in drunken stupor, do the women visit you in your dreams too or is it just the nights. Did the spells of Cupid finally made way thee or t'was a journey of Bedlam and Bedouins, tell me, does she visit your squandered mind while you consume liquid atrophy. Tell me, TELL ME, i want to seep in the pleasures of your disgrace, of countless betrayals made and countless promises surrendered!!
You are blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt or does the rage try to silence the screams in your head...the birth of a new civilization where men will be born with tantalizing screams and voices inside their head, soft, melodious voices, the same voice a once-upon-a-time-prince used to woo and lure women inside his lust smitten chambers. The once-upon-a-time-prince....finally fallen because of one woman..........why?"
"Because once you have tasted her, its all that you want to have", i replied calmly.
You are blinded by inconsolable rage that you don't care who you hurt or does the rage try to silence the screams in your head...the birth of a new civilization where men will be born with tantalizing screams and voices inside their head, soft, melodious voices, the same voice a once-upon-a-time-prince used to woo and lure women inside his lust smitten chambers. The once-upon-a-time-prince....finally fallen because of one woman..........why?"
 |
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Baby O
It is not everyday that you get to talk to him, not everyday that you call upon someone whom you haven't met in years and he actually obliges. Miracles in the land of the heartless. He was neither surprised nor happy to see me, just indifferent and unfazed. Not a day had passed since he had wished me and her dead, rightfully so too. We had betrayed him at the pinnacle of our love but that is another tale altogether. He had changed a bit, he looked more handsome than the last time i had seen him, more composed and calm, a fresh drop of dew on a wintry morning. "Thanks for coming, I.......", and then unsure of what to say, i stopped. He looked at me with a look of contemptuous pity and sat down comfortably. His fiery eyes bore into mine and he said in his sneer of a tone, "Do you mind?" I looked at at the Dunhill between his rose tinted lips and wondered why had he started smoking. Without waiting for me to reply he lit and drew a long puff which he let it rest before twirling out a hazy cloud of gray white vapor, disturbing the lazing stillness of the place. "There is a certain poetry in committing a crime after you have served your sentence", he said rather spiritedly, a line whose full essence i would grasp only later on. "You look like a zombie, a very dead zombie in fact."
"Zombies are already dead",i muttered.He smiled and continued,"Cynicism from a rebelling idealist, my my, the world is already changing. Here, have a puff, smoke away your troubles." I took it from his hand, exhaled deeply and put it on my virgin lips, my hands trembled ever so lightly as i drew in the acrid taste. I coughed, he laughed. I tried again, this time more slowly, inhaling the nicotine, letting it slowly explore the innards of my body, ruminating about its presence within myself. After what seemed like an eternity i exhaled although only a moment had passed. I could feel the burning at the back of my throat and my mouth felt bitter but i continued smoking. I was surprised when it finished so early, i had hoped at a longer rendezvous but like Under Officer Ali Shigri once told me,"You ask for freedom and they give you Chicken Korma".
I gazed at the distant waves, warring against the indomitable coastline of the City of Dreams. "You remember the time when we went to Ranikhet, it was the best time i ever had in my entire life. I loved both of you in ways i can't explain. You and her were my best kept secrets, no one knew about your existence, no one knew i could afford to fight against all odds because i had my kingdom beside me.", i stopped, troubled by the lump in my throat, the sign of my weakness, when emotion swells within my heart and words choke me. A single tear rested upon my eye, unsure whether to declare its presence to the man within the room or quietly hide away, as countless of his brothers had before him. The coward chose latter. "I called you today because your wish has been fulfilled, she has left me forever and i have finally fallen. I seek neither your forgiveness nor your sympathy and i cannot disrespect you further by asking for atonement but do me a last bit of favor, watch over her in this big, bad world of ours."
He stood up and walked towards me, placing his long slender arm over my shoulder he said silently."I came here not because i wanted an apology or for that matter a soliloquy of sorts". I gave him a watery smile. He smiled back and continued," I came here so i could relieve you of your pain. Neither has she left you forever nor have you fallen, things are a bit bleak but I'll sort them out. I'll make the pain go away, the horrible,terrible pain that seeps you from within, i know how it feels, you know i do." He looked me within my eyes and i stared back in the dark pools of black, noticing his lashes tremble. I buried my face within his shoulder and began sobbing, silent shuddering sobs. He held me close and i could feel his warm breath on my earlobe. "Shhh, everything will be fine, my friend, everything will be just fine....."
I looked up, both sobbing and smiling, sobbing remembering my betrayal and smiling because i felt faint stirrings of hope in beating heart, faint but actual stirrings. I wanted him to stay there, close to him, my head on his shoulder, my arms round him, his warm breath lulling me to sleep. I wanted time to stop and gaze at us.I have never believed in God and never thought i could but at that moment nothing but divinity oozed out from my soul. He had forgiven me and nothing but the Hand of God could have changed his mind.
"Come on now, sit down. I'll go get a glass of water." He came back a minute later with a glass of water and a small packet. He handed me the glass and began to slowly open the packet, carefully and neatly. White powder. I remembered the first i had done it, it was surreal., electricity and numbness, chaos and serenity, anger and calm, all had fused together to create the much needed psychic synchronicity. But then i had stopped, neither by choice nor by chance, it had been because of a promise, whose ethos were as old as time itself : Love. "I don't do that anymore", i said a bit too aggressively, instantly betraying my vulnerability. He looked up and smiled and in an enchantingly melodious tone captivated me completely. With my head on his shoulder again and sweet temptation being whispered in my ear, i surrendered. In a second, promises were forsaken, the past forgotten, sweet innocence betrayed and tears swallowed. I was his to be and if he wanted me to take in the sinned white powder, the modern age forbidden fruit; the Devil's Ambrosia, then i would take it.
Three snorts of four inches of this stuff can make you God. So three snorts and one hour later i was God. I could perform miracles now, turn men to dust, raise the dead, light up the skies, turn the moon into a giant disco ball and dance till the saints come marching. It felt good, real good, after months of depression and exhaustion, it was a spiritual relief to laugh with gay abandon with my once-upon-a-time best-friend. Another smoke lit, another snort taken, a telepathic decision to play Lady Gaga was taken. We started to dance, a passive onlooker would have described it as erotic, i would describe it as pseudo erotic after deliberate observation. Seven songs later two sweaty,young men fell on the soft velvety couch and drifted off to sleep, arms entangled, breaths mingled and heaven perfected.
I woke up suddenly when i heard a loud groan, i opened my groggy eyes and was aghast to see him lying on the floor and his mouth bloodied and foamed. "What the hell happened? I am calling an ambulance right.......", i stopped midway as i saw him beckoning me closer. "I am here buddy, just relax, everything will be all right.." He mustered some energy and plonked himself upon me,"Just listen carefully and don't interrupt no matter what, i don't have much time." Gauging the seriousness of his tone,i sat still and motioned him to continue,"I am dying and this is my final blow.Before taking what i took while you were sleeping,i called up the police and told them you were trying to poison me." "What are you saying, let me call the doctor, everything will be fine.." "I don't need the doctor, i need revenge and when my body falls limp your destiny will forever crumple. I loved her more than anything in this world and you took her away. I loved her, i really did and you knew it. You took her away from me and now you will pay. Know that every.....", he started violently coughing blood and with a final spasm of agony he lay dead on my lap.
By the time i stood up and surveyed the brutal scene before me - Powder on the table, my torso bloodied by the blood of hatred and his limp yet taut body, serene in its moment of eternal satisfaction - i could already hear the wail of damning sirens.
"Zombies are already dead",i muttered.He smiled and continued,"Cynicism from a rebelling idealist, my my, the world is already changing. Here, have a puff, smoke away your troubles." I took it from his hand, exhaled deeply and put it on my virgin lips, my hands trembled ever so lightly as i drew in the acrid taste. I coughed, he laughed. I tried again, this time more slowly, inhaling the nicotine, letting it slowly explore the innards of my body, ruminating about its presence within myself. After what seemed like an eternity i exhaled although only a moment had passed. I could feel the burning at the back of my throat and my mouth felt bitter but i continued smoking. I was surprised when it finished so early, i had hoped at a longer rendezvous but like Under Officer Ali Shigri once told me,"You ask for freedom and they give you Chicken Korma".
I gazed at the distant waves, warring against the indomitable coastline of the City of Dreams. "You remember the time when we went to Ranikhet, it was the best time i ever had in my entire life. I loved both of you in ways i can't explain. You and her were my best kept secrets, no one knew about your existence, no one knew i could afford to fight against all odds because i had my kingdom beside me.", i stopped, troubled by the lump in my throat, the sign of my weakness, when emotion swells within my heart and words choke me. A single tear rested upon my eye, unsure whether to declare its presence to the man within the room or quietly hide away, as countless of his brothers had before him. The coward chose latter. "I called you today because your wish has been fulfilled, she has left me forever and i have finally fallen. I seek neither your forgiveness nor your sympathy and i cannot disrespect you further by asking for atonement but do me a last bit of favor, watch over her in this big, bad world of ours."
He stood up and walked towards me, placing his long slender arm over my shoulder he said silently."I came here not because i wanted an apology or for that matter a soliloquy of sorts". I gave him a watery smile. He smiled back and continued," I came here so i could relieve you of your pain. Neither has she left you forever nor have you fallen, things are a bit bleak but I'll sort them out. I'll make the pain go away, the horrible,terrible pain that seeps you from within, i know how it feels, you know i do." He looked me within my eyes and i stared back in the dark pools of black, noticing his lashes tremble. I buried my face within his shoulder and began sobbing, silent shuddering sobs. He held me close and i could feel his warm breath on my earlobe. "Shhh, everything will be fine, my friend, everything will be just fine....."
"Girte hain shehsawar hi maidaan-e-jung mein
Woh tifl kya girenge jo ghutno ke bal chale...."
Woh tifl kya girenge jo ghutno ke bal chale...."
I looked up, both sobbing and smiling, sobbing remembering my betrayal and smiling because i felt faint stirrings of hope in beating heart, faint but actual stirrings. I wanted him to stay there, close to him, my head on his shoulder, my arms round him, his warm breath lulling me to sleep. I wanted time to stop and gaze at us.I have never believed in God and never thought i could but at that moment nothing but divinity oozed out from my soul. He had forgiven me and nothing but the Hand of God could have changed his mind.
"Come on now, sit down. I'll go get a glass of water." He came back a minute later with a glass of water and a small packet. He handed me the glass and began to slowly open the packet, carefully and neatly. White powder. I remembered the first i had done it, it was surreal., electricity and numbness, chaos and serenity, anger and calm, all had fused together to create the much needed psychic synchronicity. But then i had stopped, neither by choice nor by chance, it had been because of a promise, whose ethos were as old as time itself : Love. "I don't do that anymore", i said a bit too aggressively, instantly betraying my vulnerability. He looked up and smiled and in an enchantingly melodious tone captivated me completely. With my head on his shoulder again and sweet temptation being whispered in my ear, i surrendered. In a second, promises were forsaken, the past forgotten, sweet innocence betrayed and tears swallowed. I was his to be and if he wanted me to take in the sinned white powder, the modern age forbidden fruit; the Devil's Ambrosia, then i would take it.
Three snorts of four inches of this stuff can make you God. So three snorts and one hour later i was God. I could perform miracles now, turn men to dust, raise the dead, light up the skies, turn the moon into a giant disco ball and dance till the saints come marching. It felt good, real good, after months of depression and exhaustion, it was a spiritual relief to laugh with gay abandon with my once-upon-a-time best-friend. Another smoke lit, another snort taken, a telepathic decision to play Lady Gaga was taken. We started to dance, a passive onlooker would have described it as erotic, i would describe it as pseudo erotic after deliberate observation. Seven songs later two sweaty,young men fell on the soft velvety couch and drifted off to sleep, arms entangled, breaths mingled and heaven perfected.
I woke up suddenly when i heard a loud groan, i opened my groggy eyes and was aghast to see him lying on the floor and his mouth bloodied and foamed. "What the hell happened? I am calling an ambulance right.......", i stopped midway as i saw him beckoning me closer. "I am here buddy, just relax, everything will be all right.." He mustered some energy and plonked himself upon me,"Just listen carefully and don't interrupt no matter what, i don't have much time." Gauging the seriousness of his tone,i sat still and motioned him to continue,"I am dying and this is my final blow.Before taking what i took while you were sleeping,i called up the police and told them you were trying to poison me." "What are you saying, let me call the doctor, everything will be fine.." "I don't need the doctor, i need revenge and when my body falls limp your destiny will forever crumple. I loved her more than anything in this world and you took her away. I loved her, i really did and you knew it. You took her away from me and now you will pay. Know that every.....", he started violently coughing blood and with a final spasm of agony he lay dead on my lap.
By the time i stood up and surveyed the brutal scene before me - Powder on the table, my torso bloodied by the blood of hatred and his limp yet taut body, serene in its moment of eternal satisfaction - i could already hear the wail of damning sirens.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Est queadam fiere voluptas (There is a certain pleasure in weeping.)
The first thing he noticed about her was her hair.She had her hair cut in layers with razored edges and sported long fringe bangs that she kept partially swept to the side and out of her eyes. She seemed to enjoy the purposefully styled messy look, which accentuated her kohl lit eyes.Her face was impassively beautiful,reminding him of frigid lakes he had seen when he was in St Petersburg,where a thin,almost invisible sheet of icy layer stopped every and any ripple that dared its presence.He was magnetically drawn towards the nape of her neck where a single mole rested languidly,oblivious of the effect that it was causing on a stranger's heart- his heart,a matter of fact.Slowly he averted his gaze,finished his single malt and casually walked over to the bar to order another,forcing himself not to turn back to gaze at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
This is love,he thought,this is what it feels like.The maddening pace of his heart,bursting with euphoria of life itself,the cold sweat slowly trickling towards the back of his neck and the way his eyes had begun to sparkle.He felt strangely alive and had an inexplicable desire to laugh out aloud.For the first time in life he actually wanted to live with gay abandon and break all rules.Suddenly he understood why people took risks,why boys drove fast cars and girls broke rules,it was the majestic and grand feeling of being reckless-he was recklessly now in love with a woman whose name he did not know yet.
As shadows danced,the evening began to quickly pass.He thought several times of going up to her and talk but he couldn't muster the courage.It was simply impossible for him to go up to her say something and equally difficult to stand there and do nothing.All his entire life he never had any hesitation talking to anyone,he had charmed Councilors,smooth talked his way out of everything and even courted impossible women but today his tongue was dry and his palms sweaty.He was probably nervous for the first time in his life and it actually felt weird.He went over to the bar and ordered another Scotch.As the bartender poured a shot over two hazy cubes, he suddenly stiffened as he saw her standing right next to him.A faint scent of cedar and leather wafted towards him and he instantly recognized it as Anais Anais,a rare delightful fragrance, after all women fragrances were nothing new to him.He slowly turned his head as she walked away,hoping to steal another long amorous glance when he suddenly felt someone tugging at his leg,
"Daddy,mommy is looking everywhere for you",said Nysa tersely,his seven year daughter.
He affectionately picked her up and gave her a loving peck on her forehead.Then he set her down,let her wrap her small tender hand around his finger and lead him back to her mother,back to his wife and back to his loveless marriage of nine long years.He longed to look back and gaze solemnly at the woman with whom he had fallen in love with but he continued walking with a heavy heart under the leaden sky.
This is love,he thought,this is what it feels like.The maddening pace of his heart,bursting with euphoria of life itself,the cold sweat slowly trickling towards the back of his neck and the way his eyes had begun to sparkle.He felt strangely alive and had an inexplicable desire to laugh out aloud.For the first time in life he actually wanted to live with gay abandon and break all rules.Suddenly he understood why people took risks,why boys drove fast cars and girls broke rules,it was the majestic and grand feeling of being reckless-he was recklessly now in love with a woman whose name he did not know yet.
As shadows danced,the evening began to quickly pass.He thought several times of going up to her and talk but he couldn't muster the courage.It was simply impossible for him to go up to her say something and equally difficult to stand there and do nothing.All his entire life he never had any hesitation talking to anyone,he had charmed Councilors,smooth talked his way out of everything and even courted impossible women but today his tongue was dry and his palms sweaty.He was probably nervous for the first time in his life and it actually felt weird.He went over to the bar and ordered another Scotch.As the bartender poured a shot over two hazy cubes, he suddenly stiffened as he saw her standing right next to him.A faint scent of cedar and leather wafted towards him and he instantly recognized it as Anais Anais,a rare delightful fragrance, after all women fragrances were nothing new to him.He slowly turned his head as she walked away,hoping to steal another long amorous glance when he suddenly felt someone tugging at his leg,
"Daddy,mommy is looking everywhere for you",said Nysa tersely,his seven year daughter.
He affectionately picked her up and gave her a loving peck on her forehead.Then he set her down,let her wrap her small tender hand around his finger and lead him back to her mother,back to his wife and back to his loveless marriage of nine long years.He longed to look back and gaze solemnly at the woman with whom he had fallen in love with but he continued walking with a heavy heart under the leaden sky.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Fallen Roses
She was often unsure of what she was doing but this time,she was absolutely clueless.Her family would never allow such a match.It was true that he was intelligent and a good man but even if was the most eligible bachelor in the entire world,they still wouldn't let her marry him.He was,bluntly put,not of their caste.Why was she still clinging on to him?Why could she not bring herself to leave him forever and move on?Is this Love,she thought despairingly and if it was why did it have to be so painful .Why was everything so difficult in life?
He would understand if she left him.He always did.His large black eyes were deep like the ocean and they took everything within.When she raged at him or cried upon his shoulder,his comforting eyes looked into hers and made her warm.Warm with joy,with comfort and with hope.He was always there for her,like a silent rock who had pledged his life to the raging seas,he always stood by her no matter what she said or did.His silent devotion made her cringe.He knew she could never go against her family but still he was there,by her side,comforting and smiling.He was a good man and deserved better,she thought.She tried to fight with him numerous times,trying to distance herself so he wouldn't feel any pain but he was no fool.He always knew her intentions,he knew her bickering was symptomatic of her frustrations;he simply knew everything.He knew her completely.Both of them were hopelessly in love.Both knew the outcome of their doomed existence but both lived and continued to love.They had reached a stoic understanding of their fate.Their love had transcended marriage and society.Both could lead separate lives,marry someone else,have children and still could go on loving each other till their last breath.
But it always hurt her,she could never reach that spiritual and philosophical plane that he had achieved.She could never imagine life without him.His laugh,his smile,his soft gentle hands,the way he looked in her eyes,his soft,comforting voice and the way he made her feel;like a princess,like only she existed in the world and nothing else.When they were together the world melted in shadows and memories while nothing else mattered.Those moments defined life itself,everything else was a painful blurred memory.She felt alive when she was with him,life began to have a reason of being,she wanted in those moments to live,to breathe and to smile.He changed everything,her mind,her emotions and even her identity.She became someone else,much different from what she had been bought up to be.Her face softened,her voice had vitality and even her stride changed.She felt exuberant to the point of lunacy.He empowered her.He made her complete.
She wanted to die.She wanted to slit her wrists and leave this world forever,a world which refused possibilities of love,a world which was indifferent to her existence.But she never did anything beyond contemplating it in moments of lament,for she knew he would destroy himself.Not merely kill himself but destroy his very life.She would die and leave the world,he would live and die everyday.She lived for him ignorant of the fact that he had precisely the same reasons for living life.Both lived.Both suffered.Each day passed,the sun rose and set,each day she she woke up and wept.He had no answers for she asked no questions.She had been raised by her family,they had fed her,loved her;she couldn't just betray them because her heart belonged to someone else.They owned her life while he owned her heart.Life had no easy answers.She could not risk her parent's shame.She chose them.
Her wedding was a lavish affair.Relatives from far and away were called.Sweets were stuffed in their mouths,pictures clicked,blessings obliged.The bride sat on the mock throne on the stage with her to-be husband.Aunts commented how fair she looked,a detailed observation would have revealed a pale complexion and deathly demeanor.She had stopped thinking;not today but some months earlier when she had conceded to her parent's choice,a well groomed-educated boy of a traditional business family.Her mother had commented that her duty was over and she could now die peacefully while her father had smiled at the poetic exaggerations of his wife.The daughter had not been consulted about her feelings.Assumptions were the order of the day.As she sat frailly on the pseudo-majestic throne,she remembered the day when she had broke him the news of her marriage.He was impassive,he was quiet,he was shattered.Within his mind he always knew that this day would eventually come but the actual finality of the moment paralyzed him.His heart began to painfully coil as she spoke those words,those final words of parting and tender pain.He held her close,whispered words in her ear,looked deeply within those now-wet eyes and walked away.
The auspicious moment as decided by the chuckling,pot-bellied pundit drew closer.Finally it was time and the two walked towards the holy fire that would unite them forever.She walked,matching her partner's stride,numb with realization of the finality.Formless shapes appeared before her eyes and she began her part of the holy rites,dutifully observing each action as she was told.They say your whole life flashes before your very eyes when you die.She was not dying,simply getting married but He flashed before her eyes.His soft caresses,his husky voice,his enveloping frame,all came back to her as she began to encircle the holy fire with a man she barely knew.Each step erased her previous identity,she was no longer a girl,but a woman whose life would now revolve around her husband and unknown spheres of domesticity,not around Him.When all the rites were over and her forehead glistened with perspiration and vermilion,she allowed herself a single tear.No loud wailing and torrent of tears as custom demanded from a newly wed bride but a single tear.It was the final gesture of her love for Him.She walked into the fading night with her husband rightfully clutching her right hand.She glided into a new world,her mind erased of the past and her heart hollow of all emotion for she knew He had left her world forever.
She was wrong.They were destined to meet years later.
He would understand if she left him.He always did.His large black eyes were deep like the ocean and they took everything within.When she raged at him or cried upon his shoulder,his comforting eyes looked into hers and made her warm.Warm with joy,with comfort and with hope.He was always there for her,like a silent rock who had pledged his life to the raging seas,he always stood by her no matter what she said or did.His silent devotion made her cringe.He knew she could never go against her family but still he was there,by her side,comforting and smiling.He was a good man and deserved better,she thought.She tried to fight with him numerous times,trying to distance herself so he wouldn't feel any pain but he was no fool.He always knew her intentions,he knew her bickering was symptomatic of her frustrations;he simply knew everything.He knew her completely.Both of them were hopelessly in love.Both knew the outcome of their doomed existence but both lived and continued to love.They had reached a stoic understanding of their fate.Their love had transcended marriage and society.Both could lead separate lives,marry someone else,have children and still could go on loving each other till their last breath.
But it always hurt her,she could never reach that spiritual and philosophical plane that he had achieved.She could never imagine life without him.His laugh,his smile,his soft gentle hands,the way he looked in her eyes,his soft,comforting voice and the way he made her feel;like a princess,like only she existed in the world and nothing else.When they were together the world melted in shadows and memories while nothing else mattered.Those moments defined life itself,everything else was a painful blurred memory.She felt alive when she was with him,life began to have a reason of being,she wanted in those moments to live,to breathe and to smile.He changed everything,her mind,her emotions and even her identity.She became someone else,much different from what she had been bought up to be.Her face softened,her voice had vitality and even her stride changed.She felt exuberant to the point of lunacy.He empowered her.He made her complete.
She wanted to die.She wanted to slit her wrists and leave this world forever,a world which refused possibilities of love,a world which was indifferent to her existence.But she never did anything beyond contemplating it in moments of lament,for she knew he would destroy himself.Not merely kill himself but destroy his very life.She would die and leave the world,he would live and die everyday.She lived for him ignorant of the fact that he had precisely the same reasons for living life.Both lived.Both suffered.Each day passed,the sun rose and set,each day she she woke up and wept.He had no answers for she asked no questions.She had been raised by her family,they had fed her,loved her;she couldn't just betray them because her heart belonged to someone else.They owned her life while he owned her heart.Life had no easy answers.She could not risk her parent's shame.She chose them.
Her wedding was a lavish affair.Relatives from far and away were called.Sweets were stuffed in their mouths,pictures clicked,blessings obliged.The bride sat on the mock throne on the stage with her to-be husband.Aunts commented how fair she looked,a detailed observation would have revealed a pale complexion and deathly demeanor.She had stopped thinking;not today but some months earlier when she had conceded to her parent's choice,a well groomed-educated boy of a traditional business family.Her mother had commented that her duty was over and she could now die peacefully while her father had smiled at the poetic exaggerations of his wife.The daughter had not been consulted about her feelings.Assumptions were the order of the day.As she sat frailly on the pseudo-majestic throne,she remembered the day when she had broke him the news of her marriage.He was impassive,he was quiet,he was shattered.Within his mind he always knew that this day would eventually come but the actual finality of the moment paralyzed him.His heart began to painfully coil as she spoke those words,those final words of parting and tender pain.He held her close,whispered words in her ear,looked deeply within those now-wet eyes and walked away.
The auspicious moment as decided by the chuckling,pot-bellied pundit drew closer.Finally it was time and the two walked towards the holy fire that would unite them forever.She walked,matching her partner's stride,numb with realization of the finality.Formless shapes appeared before her eyes and she began her part of the holy rites,dutifully observing each action as she was told.They say your whole life flashes before your very eyes when you die.She was not dying,simply getting married but He flashed before her eyes.His soft caresses,his husky voice,his enveloping frame,all came back to her as she began to encircle the holy fire with a man she barely knew.Each step erased her previous identity,she was no longer a girl,but a woman whose life would now revolve around her husband and unknown spheres of domesticity,not around Him.When all the rites were over and her forehead glistened with perspiration and vermilion,she allowed herself a single tear.No loud wailing and torrent of tears as custom demanded from a newly wed bride but a single tear.It was the final gesture of her love for Him.She walked into the fading night with her husband rightfully clutching her right hand.She glided into a new world,her mind erased of the past and her heart hollow of all emotion for she knew He had left her world forever.
She was wrong.They were destined to meet years later.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Confessions of a Beleagured Mind------Part Three
Part two is here
"Why did you kill your father",asked the lean,thoughtful police officer sitting in front of me with composed authority.Anurag Chaubey,IPS.The name sounded strangely familiar.The police had arrived about fifteen minutes after the peon had rushed in hearing Mrs Irani's scream."I can't help you if you say nothing",he continued.I looked at him indifferently.He looked at me inquiringly.The bulb shone brightly on my face in the small,dingy room.I could hear a fly buzzing around and i wondered where it was."Listen,boy,you are in some serious shit,you just don't know it yet,you think some hot shot lawyer will get you out.You are mistaken.You have been caught red handed on the scene of crime.Don't make me try a different approach.Now,why did you murder him?",Inspector Chaubey then stood up and gave me a patronizing glance.I looked at him and said"Can i have a cup of coffee,please."He looked surprised but said nothing.He left the room and returned two minutes later with a steaming cup of hot coffee in a shabby looking mug.I drank deeply,savoring each drop with life clinging affection."I admit to my crime.I killed my father or rather my mother's husband.I killed him because i had to.I don't care what happens now.",I said quietly.Perhaps it was the way i said it but i felt his eyes boring into mine,trying to unmask my soul."Your statement is recorded and will be used against you in court.Is there anything you wish to add?"."I would like to finish my coffee before you take me anywhere".I smiled.
My case was forwarded to a fast track court.Since i had admitted to my crime,i was not given a death sentence but rather life imprisonment.My face was splurged on every newspaper in the nation.Debates were held about morality and the inevitable decline of family values.My relatives came from far and away.They came with seething anger and a scathing tongue.I was abused with cuss words every moment fate gave them.A shoe was thrown on my face during the court proceedings by my father's favorite cousin.My humble request to light my father's pyre was rejected by family elders.Our family lawyer visited me and told me that i was now the owner of my late father's legacy.Sixty Seven crores worth of land,factories,cash deposits and what not.It was now all mine.I met one of my uncles after a humble request to Anurag Chaubey."Why have you called me here,you lowly piece of garbage.I,I celebrated,I danced the day you were born.I wish i had strangled you then.What sort of son are you?",he half said,half shouted.He would have continued had i not interjected,"Do you want the money my father left me?".He shut up and looked at me.I looked back."What sort of sick game are you playing now?".I looked back,a small smile playing on my lips."Everything i own will now be yours.I want you to comply to two of my requests.Firstly,I want to be transferred to the worst prison possible.I want to be tortured and beaten.My life should become hell.Let the sexually abuse me,let them bring upon me dark deeds unheard of.Make me suffer.Make me weep.Secondly i want you to burn down every possession my late mother owned.Everything.Do this and you can have everything.",i said in a tone of cold authority.He abused me,threatened to have me shot but finally agreed.He left with numb disbelief at my demands.I relaxed.
My demands were met.The money was transferred.I was beaten everyday without fail.The guards took care that i did not fall unconscious because of the severity of their beating.Cold water,inhumanly frigid was thrown on my face.It felt like being hit by a frozen block of ice.Still the tears would not come.I was raped by frustrated,deviant men who did unmentionable things with me.I ate little,drank much and meditated the whole day.In the evening,the guards would come and the ordeal would begin again.I suffered from hallucinations,often waking up in the night,screaming at unsaid horrors.But gradually my screams lessened and i began to steel myself against the tortures that would never stop.An year passed.Then another too passed.In the third year,I had a visitor who would change everything.
"Why did you kill your father",asked the lean,thoughtful police officer sitting in front of me with composed authority.Anurag Chaubey,IPS.The name sounded strangely familiar.The police had arrived about fifteen minutes after the peon had rushed in hearing Mrs Irani's scream."I can't help you if you say nothing",he continued.I looked at him indifferently.He looked at me inquiringly.The bulb shone brightly on my face in the small,dingy room.I could hear a fly buzzing around and i wondered where it was."Listen,boy,you are in some serious shit,you just don't know it yet,you think some hot shot lawyer will get you out.You are mistaken.You have been caught red handed on the scene of crime.Don't make me try a different approach.Now,why did you murder him?",Inspector Chaubey then stood up and gave me a patronizing glance.I looked at him and said"Can i have a cup of coffee,please."He looked surprised but said nothing.He left the room and returned two minutes later with a steaming cup of hot coffee in a shabby looking mug.I drank deeply,savoring each drop with life clinging affection."I admit to my crime.I killed my father or rather my mother's husband.I killed him because i had to.I don't care what happens now.",I said quietly.Perhaps it was the way i said it but i felt his eyes boring into mine,trying to unmask my soul."Your statement is recorded and will be used against you in court.Is there anything you wish to add?"."I would like to finish my coffee before you take me anywhere".I smiled.
My case was forwarded to a fast track court.Since i had admitted to my crime,i was not given a death sentence but rather life imprisonment.My face was splurged on every newspaper in the nation.Debates were held about morality and the inevitable decline of family values.My relatives came from far and away.They came with seething anger and a scathing tongue.I was abused with cuss words every moment fate gave them.A shoe was thrown on my face during the court proceedings by my father's favorite cousin.My humble request to light my father's pyre was rejected by family elders.Our family lawyer visited me and told me that i was now the owner of my late father's legacy.Sixty Seven crores worth of land,factories,cash deposits and what not.It was now all mine.I met one of my uncles after a humble request to Anurag Chaubey."Why have you called me here,you lowly piece of garbage.I,I celebrated,I danced the day you were born.I wish i had strangled you then.What sort of son are you?",he half said,half shouted.He would have continued had i not interjected,"Do you want the money my father left me?".He shut up and looked at me.I looked back."What sort of sick game are you playing now?".I looked back,a small smile playing on my lips."Everything i own will now be yours.I want you to comply to two of my requests.Firstly,I want to be transferred to the worst prison possible.I want to be tortured and beaten.My life should become hell.Let the sexually abuse me,let them bring upon me dark deeds unheard of.Make me suffer.Make me weep.Secondly i want you to burn down every possession my late mother owned.Everything.Do this and you can have everything.",i said in a tone of cold authority.He abused me,threatened to have me shot but finally agreed.He left with numb disbelief at my demands.I relaxed.
My demands were met.The money was transferred.I was beaten everyday without fail.The guards took care that i did not fall unconscious because of the severity of their beating.Cold water,inhumanly frigid was thrown on my face.It felt like being hit by a frozen block of ice.Still the tears would not come.I was raped by frustrated,deviant men who did unmentionable things with me.I ate little,drank much and meditated the whole day.In the evening,the guards would come and the ordeal would begin again.I suffered from hallucinations,often waking up in the night,screaming at unsaid horrors.But gradually my screams lessened and i began to steel myself against the tortures that would never stop.An year passed.Then another too passed.In the third year,I had a visitor who would change everything.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Confessions of a Beleaguered Mind------Part Two
Please read the first part here.
My mother was a professor of English.She was a beautiful woman but her beauty was never noticed;not because of some sinister reason but because her charm preceded everything.She dressed simply but elegantly.When she spoke,people especially men were mesmerized by her voice.She was a woman of the world,rich in her ideas and expressive of her opinions.Her father was a poet,a man of great intellect and passion.His mention is necessary only to enunciate my mother's genetic inheritance.I know nothing about her mother.She was a fantastic woman and i loved her more than anything in the world.Not once did i ever tell her this.
She met her husband at one of the famous cocktail parties hosted by the literary who's who of Delhi at Le Meridian.Her husband was there by chance,he was neither an author nor a poet.In fact he possibly had never read a literary novel,the only books he read were pseudo imitations of Harvard returned good for nothing management blokes.I still wonder why she married him.Certainly he was rich,he was rich and a self made man,a rare combination but still he would never accept the fact that his mother married her husband for money.She was beyond all that,she was divine.
They married a month later.I was born a year later.Her husband dealt in some shady businesses involved in international crediting.He was insecure of my mother's circle of friends.They were an intellectual lot and always made him feel greatly insignificant.He grew angry and frustrated.He cut off my mother from the world she loved.She started withering away,away from her literary pursuits but she would not leave him.I guess she didn't want me to grow up without a father.I would have been better without him.I will not do injustice to her husband and claim that he did not love me or my mother.He did but sometimes love is not enough to sustain a relationship.Understanding is often the key to a happy marriage but unfortunately her husband never understood this.My mother felt incomplete without her traveling and literary socializing.She immersed herself in her reading and maintained a facade of happiness but i could always sense her unhappiness.She seemed distant and away from the simple pleasures of life.She was hollowed,hollowed by the society her husband gave her.She was my mother and she was rotting before my eyes.I was old enough to sense her discomfort.We lived a life of luxury,a life of unchallenged bliss but i knew the truth.The truth that my family was a hollow framework of broken dreams and mismatched love.
I was sent to England to study.It was my last semester and i missed my mother.I hadn't talked to her for a while and it constantly ached my heart.Two days before my exams were to begin,i got a phone call from home.My mother was no more.
My mother was a professor of English.She was a beautiful woman but her beauty was never noticed;not because of some sinister reason but because her charm preceded everything.She dressed simply but elegantly.When she spoke,people especially men were mesmerized by her voice.She was a woman of the world,rich in her ideas and expressive of her opinions.Her father was a poet,a man of great intellect and passion.His mention is necessary only to enunciate my mother's genetic inheritance.I know nothing about her mother.She was a fantastic woman and i loved her more than anything in the world.Not once did i ever tell her this.
She met her husband at one of the famous cocktail parties hosted by the literary who's who of Delhi at Le Meridian.Her husband was there by chance,he was neither an author nor a poet.In fact he possibly had never read a literary novel,the only books he read were pseudo imitations of Harvard returned good for nothing management blokes.I still wonder why she married him.Certainly he was rich,he was rich and a self made man,a rare combination but still he would never accept the fact that his mother married her husband for money.She was beyond all that,she was divine.
They married a month later.I was born a year later.Her husband dealt in some shady businesses involved in international crediting.He was insecure of my mother's circle of friends.They were an intellectual lot and always made him feel greatly insignificant.He grew angry and frustrated.He cut off my mother from the world she loved.She started withering away,away from her literary pursuits but she would not leave him.I guess she didn't want me to grow up without a father.I would have been better without him.I will not do injustice to her husband and claim that he did not love me or my mother.He did but sometimes love is not enough to sustain a relationship.Understanding is often the key to a happy marriage but unfortunately her husband never understood this.My mother felt incomplete without her traveling and literary socializing.She immersed herself in her reading and maintained a facade of happiness but i could always sense her unhappiness.She seemed distant and away from the simple pleasures of life.She was hollowed,hollowed by the society her husband gave her.She was my mother and she was rotting before my eyes.I was old enough to sense her discomfort.We lived a life of luxury,a life of unchallenged bliss but i knew the truth.The truth that my family was a hollow framework of broken dreams and mismatched love.
I was sent to England to study.It was my last semester and i missed my mother.I hadn't talked to her for a while and it constantly ached my heart.Two days before my exams were to begin,i got a phone call from home.My mother was no more.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Confessions of a Beleaguered Mind------Part One
He woke up around the same time his father left for office.His name is irrelevant for the story and hence shall not be mentioned.He then proceeded to go about his usual morning activities which included yoga,meditation and power running.He had a good body and he secretly liked to admire it,but today everything was irrelevant.Anybody who met him was instantly charmed by his well bred manners and eloquence of speech.One could say that we was born with a silver spoon,his wit and charisma were despotically alluring.His deep black eyes twinkled with a cold fiery look of hazy indifference.Loved and revered,he had everything.
He opened the door of his gleaming white Skoda Superb,gifted to him nine days ago on his birthday.The engine gave a grunt of captivated power as he pulled it out of driveway and mulled into the chaos of Delhi.He reached his father's office in a about a little more than an hour.He went inside and gazed at the gleaming Italian marble,the dark mahogany wood and the precise yet firm walk of his associates.Mrs Irani,his secretary of twelve years ushered him in his father's office.
"What is it?",his father asked,a bit irritably.He smiled.His hand slithered to the soft fabric of his custom made Belgian trousers and he took out a blunt,exquisite silver knife and with raw force pushed it deep in his father's neck.
A moment passed.
Blood,dark red blood gushed out.With a resounding thud his father's head fell on the desk.He sat down and waited.Bored he took out his phone and fiddled around.Then he reached over and pressed the intercom.'Yes Sir?",came Mrs Irani's voice.'One coffee,please',he replied.He waited.
Mrs Irani always came inside and prepared coffee from a modern,italian coffee maker tucked away in the corner of the opulent office.She had started screaming hysterically before the door had closed.
He smiled.
He opened the door of his gleaming white Skoda Superb,gifted to him nine days ago on his birthday.The engine gave a grunt of captivated power as he pulled it out of driveway and mulled into the chaos of Delhi.He reached his father's office in a about a little more than an hour.He went inside and gazed at the gleaming Italian marble,the dark mahogany wood and the precise yet firm walk of his associates.Mrs Irani,his secretary of twelve years ushered him in his father's office.
"What is it?",his father asked,a bit irritably.He smiled.His hand slithered to the soft fabric of his custom made Belgian trousers and he took out a blunt,exquisite silver knife and with raw force pushed it deep in his father's neck.
A moment passed.
Blood,dark red blood gushed out.With a resounding thud his father's head fell on the desk.He sat down and waited.Bored he took out his phone and fiddled around.Then he reached over and pressed the intercom.'Yes Sir?",came Mrs Irani's voice.'One coffee,please',he replied.He waited.
Mrs Irani always came inside and prepared coffee from a modern,italian coffee maker tucked away in the corner of the opulent office.She had started screaming hysterically before the door had closed.
He smiled.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Rudra-The Beginning
Rudra was born on a sleepy morning in the quiet village of Jhang.His birth coincided with the start of the holy month of Ramadan.Sweets were distributed in neighboring houses and fire crackers were burst.His mother Banto Kaur was a famous singer and often sang at village festivals,her popular song Mera Pind always resulted in a standing ovation so it was no surprise when half the village turned up to congratulate her.Naming her son Rudra was not her idea but her husband had insisted.Gurcharan was a soldier in the British Indian Army and was a hulk of a man.Once during war,a fellow company man by the name of Rudra Kumar had saved his life by taking a sniper bullet.That one act of heroism had made Gurcharan a better man and he decided to name his son Rudra after the great soldier.
Rudra grew up to be a handsome young boy and was enlisted into the army by his father when he turned sixteen.He joined the the 16th Rajputana Rifles and began his way into the world.The year was 1946.India would be independent in an year.
Rudra:"Oye Khotya,Don't waste bullets.Atleast kill one without using up the whole magazine."
Avtar smiled sheepishly and answered,"Not everyone can shoot like you ."
"Well then there is no need to come hunting with me,you only distract me and i wish to enjoy my holidays in peace." answered Rudra to his childhood friend.
"Trying to behave like an officer already,well as you please,I am going."
Rudra and Avtar had been friends for nearly sixteen years but something had changed since last year.He had been enlisted in the army.He had never felt so alive before,the morning drill,the voracious hunger after that,a pat on the back by Sahib.Everything was different there.It was not like his village where there was no discipline and no rules.He had taken a liking to the officers in uniform,their presence,their style,everything about them was magical.So enamored was he that everything else seemed to have taken a backstage.All he wanted in life was to be an officer,an officer of the Indian Army.
He would have to clear many hurdles before he became an officer.The war would change everything.
Rudra woke up early next morning,he exercised,had a bath and sat down to eat his favorite food,poori aloo."I am going out,I'll be late."he shouted as he washed his face."Where are you going?" asked Banto."Nowhere special,just want to see the village again."he answered back."Well make sure you take Avtar with you,I don't want you wandering in the village after dark alone.Its not safe anymore."said his mother.
"Fine"
He thought about asking Avtar but then decided against it,he was always chattering and his conversations were dull and boring.He walked to the edge of the lake,hands in his trouser pockets,humming a tune when he suddenly saw a swarm of fireflies near the edge of his village.Squinting a bit,he realized that it was not a swarm of fireflies that had caught his attention but rather what seemed like an angry mob carrying fire-torches.They were shouting slogans too but all that was inaudible.He sprinted back to his house,only to find it locked.Tense and worried he went to Avtar's house,"Oye Avtar,come outside,its urgent!!"
"Coming,coming there is no need to be hostile.When you have time,then you.........."he cut off seeing the white face of his friend.
"Listen this place is no longer safe,I just saw a mob approaching the village and they were carrying torches and shouting something.We need to get out of here,call your parents and your sister.I am going to find my parents and then meet you at the ghats."saying this he ran towards the temple which lay outskirts of the village.Panting like a dog,he reached the temple.Frantically he shouted his mother's name but no luck.Worried sick he turned to go towards his village when he felt a binding pain at the back of his head and everything went black..........................
Rudra grew up to be a handsome young boy and was enlisted into the army by his father when he turned sixteen.He joined the the 16th Rajputana Rifles and began his way into the world.The year was 1946.India would be independent in an year.
Rudra:"Oye Khotya,Don't waste bullets.Atleast kill one without using up the whole magazine."
Avtar smiled sheepishly and answered,"Not everyone can shoot like you ."
"Well then there is no need to come hunting with me,you only distract me and i wish to enjoy my holidays in peace." answered Rudra to his childhood friend.
"Trying to behave like an officer already,well as you please,I am going."
Rudra and Avtar had been friends for nearly sixteen years but something had changed since last year.He had been enlisted in the army.He had never felt so alive before,the morning drill,the voracious hunger after that,a pat on the back by Sahib.Everything was different there.It was not like his village where there was no discipline and no rules.He had taken a liking to the officers in uniform,their presence,their style,everything about them was magical.So enamored was he that everything else seemed to have taken a backstage.All he wanted in life was to be an officer,an officer of the Indian Army.
He would have to clear many hurdles before he became an officer.The war would change everything.
Rudra woke up early next morning,he exercised,had a bath and sat down to eat his favorite food,poori aloo."I am going out,I'll be late."he shouted as he washed his face."Where are you going?" asked Banto."Nowhere special,just want to see the village again."he answered back."Well make sure you take Avtar with you,I don't want you wandering in the village after dark alone.Its not safe anymore."said his mother.
"Fine"
He thought about asking Avtar but then decided against it,he was always chattering and his conversations were dull and boring.He walked to the edge of the lake,hands in his trouser pockets,humming a tune when he suddenly saw a swarm of fireflies near the edge of his village.Squinting a bit,he realized that it was not a swarm of fireflies that had caught his attention but rather what seemed like an angry mob carrying fire-torches.They were shouting slogans too but all that was inaudible.He sprinted back to his house,only to find it locked.Tense and worried he went to Avtar's house,"Oye Avtar,come outside,its urgent!!"
"Coming,coming there is no need to be hostile.When you have time,then you.........."he cut off seeing the white face of his friend.
"Listen this place is no longer safe,I just saw a mob approaching the village and they were carrying torches and shouting something.We need to get out of here,call your parents and your sister.I am going to find my parents and then meet you at the ghats."saying this he ran towards the temple which lay outskirts of the village.Panting like a dog,he reached the temple.Frantically he shouted his mother's name but no luck.Worried sick he turned to go towards his village when he felt a binding pain at the back of his head and everything went black..........................
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)